How to be great lover : She isn't doing what you want in bed? Here's how to persuade her

 

She never initiates sex

First the good news. In surveys, two-thirds of women say they initiate sex “sometimes”. The bad news is that she counts hair-flicking as initiation. At least once every few weeks it’d be nice to have our shirts torn apart by someone other than the dry-cleaner.
The solution: Show her a sign. “One of the reasons she may have stopped approaching you is because of her fear of rejection,” says Janice Hiller, a clinical psychologist specialising in psychosexual therapy. Men can usually weather sexual rejection – quickly planning the next seduction - but women fear it, so you’ll need to do what women do when they want sex: send out subtle signals.This will create an atmosphere where she’s pretty sure she won’t be rejected.
This signalling business isn’t as difficult as you might think; women have being doing it for years. We’re not suggesting you parade around in tonga briefs but rather act in such a way that she’s pretty sure she won’t get a terse ‘No’. “That could be as simple as lounging around in a bathrobe after a shower, or dimming the lights and playing her favourite sexy music,” says Hiller. The key is in creating a relaxed but suggestive atmosphere conducive for the playing of your favourite game.

Sex is long and silent

For most of us, hearing our partner in the throes of passion is one of the best aphrodisiacs there is. Not only does it mean she’s enjoying herself, it means we’re doing something right. Sadly though, not all women respond to orgasms in the style of Meg Ryan.
The solution: Encourage by example. “Make the kind of sounds of satisfaction that you’d like to hear,” suggests Hiller. “That way you’re giving her permission to gasp and moan too.” And ask her questions about how much she likes what you’re doing to her or get her to explain what she’s going to do to you. “That, in itself, can be incredibly arousing,” says Hiller.

She hides her body

It’s a common gripe. You think she’s gorgeous; she thinks she’s a Gorgon. Before you know it, she’s unscrewed the bedroom lightbulb. And for men who get turned on by visual stimuli (ie all of us) that’s very bad news indeed.
The solution: Worship her. But before you do, make sure you’re not inadvertently making the problem worse. Ask yourself, do you often talk about the physical attractiveness of other women when she’s around? If so, start censoring yourself now.
Even if you’re not comparing them to your partner, if she’s insecure to start off with she’ll think you are.  Tanya Woolf, a psychotherapist specialising in sex and relationships at London Psychotherapy Associates, recommends you reassure your partner that you like her exactly the way she is. “Emphasise that you like her exact shape and size, and that you find her attractive,” she says. If your partner tends to turn complaints into criticisms, miraculously translating “your boobs look great” into “but your backside’s huge”, use actions rather than words to reassure her. “Kiss and stroke parts of her body you know she doesn’t like,” says Woolf. “The message should get through eventually.”

She’s squeamish about oral

Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she doesn’t know what you like. Maybe she thinks fellatio is a character out of Hamlet.
The solution: Give her a hand. If anyone knows how to get women to enjoy fellatio it’s Lou Paget, author of How to Be a Great Lover (Piatkus Books), who gives regular seminars on oral sex technique. “When your partner starts giving you oral sex, take her hands off your thighs and hold them with yours - she’ll like that - then guide her hands to your penis so they form a tube around it,” she suggests.
As her mouth goes up and down, rotate her hands clockwise and anti-clockwise.” The bonus for you: different tactile sensations make it feel even better than common-or-garden oral sex. The bonus for her is smooth sailing. Her hands will act like a bumper between the three inches of her mouth and the five inches plus of your penis.
One other piece of advice... do the gentlemanly thing and shower beforehand - most women feel a lot more comfortable about oral intimacy when they know the old persuader has been carefully and lovingly washed.

She won’t experiment

When you first started seeing her she was the one with the new moves and techniques. How you’re some kind of sexual Henry Higgins to your fair lady.
The solution: Open your mouth. “It might seem like a novel idea,” says Woolf, “but sometimes you’ve just got to ask for what you want.” To prevent being knocked back she recommends turning your requests into a game. “Suggest that you alternate weeks of who’s responsible for coming up with ideas, fantasies and new positions. This way your partner won’t feel criticised.” If she gets stuck, there’s a plethora of books, magazines and videos available for you both to browse.

She doesn’t come often

Frequent orgasms don’t just make her feel good; they act as a marker for your sexual performance. The fewer she has, the further you feel yourself falling down the lovers’ league table.
The solution: Head south. The good news is at least 90% of women who have never had an orgasm will be able to have one - and if they have one, they may even be able to have multiple orgasms. Mantak Chia, sex therapist and co-author of The Multi-Orgasmic Couple(Thorsons), says men should keep their sexual repertoire varied if they want to encourage their partners to orgasm - and devote time to oral sex.
One study found women who experience multiple orgasms usually have the first orgasm after cunnilingus, rather than intercourse or manual pleasures. The tongue is the perfect instrument for stimulating the clitoris. Having varied sex - cunnilingus, followed by intercourse, with simultaneous stimulation - was also a common denominator among these women.  “Another good tip is to suggest she goes on top when it comes to intercourse,” says Chia. “If she can control matters, the likelihood of her coming will be far greater.”

She won’t share her fantasies

You’ve always wanted to try that thing with the Spacehopper and the spatula – haven’t we all? – but it’s not the easiest thing to slip into a conversation.
The solution: Break it to her gently. “You could start her off with clues to the kind of thing you like,” suggests Hogan. “Then she’s less likely to freak out when you do let her in on your fantasy.” When you feel the time is right to say you want to be wrapped in clingfilm/have her dress as your primary school teacher/wear her lingerie, Hogan says you should be careful to use ‘I’ statements. For example, “I would really like it if you could?”, as opposed to “You should wear this/do this to turn me on”. That way she’s less likely to feel it’s her fault if she doesn’t want to play.

"Before you even open your mouth, think to yourself: ‘What’s in it for her?’ Can it be sensual and enjoyable for her, rather than just weird or indulgent for you?” asks Hogan. “ Remember also that some fantasies aren’t meant to be acted out - they’re impractical, maybe even dangerous - so set limits from the outset. Finally, if she does agree to get involved, always be sure to say you appreciate the fact that she gave it a go - whether it works out or not.”
Words by Lucy Lam
Photograph by Komilov Oleg